28th October 2004
So often in life in spite of the aimless pointless wanderings one comes back to certain basic things.
The ever evasive happiness seems to be one such thing. Sometimes I get to wondering if happiness does really exist or it is just wishful thinking has made folks come up with the concept. I don’t know, but memory takes me back to times which now seem to me to have been happy, fascinating, wonderful and extraordinary (though when they occurred did not seem extraordinary or even happy as such and on the whole were rather prosaic).
Does nostalgia blur memory? But I do remember horrible times too, times which seem totally terrible even now-where’s nostalgia there?
6th November 2004
Do all these equal opportunities things in some way break the natur4al order or the way of life? Free compulsory education pushes down such typical stuff down throats of zillions of children-most of this totally inutile. Where is the specialised knowledge that can be learnt best when young? What is happening to all that? Is a whole way of life dying out? Is everyone being cast into the same mould in this age of specialisation?
Can we really know so much of everything? What IS a “basic idea”? How basic is it and how necessary? Can we learn skills through all this education? Smithy, pottery, farming, hunting, fishing, trade? Or any one of these at least? Is it fair to kill life styles to kill culture in the name of equal opportunities?
But then who decided who is born to a weaver who to a chemist and who to a prime minister? Shouldn’t all of us have some chance of becoming any of these things? Why are we not allowed to truly explore and decide for ourselves? Why cannot we all be provided with the chance of not worrying about whether it is possible? I think that would be egalitarian. But what about the stuff a father teaches a son or a mother teaches a daughter? Do we not in someway lose respect for our parents and their professions because we have other options.
29th October 2004
I don’t know why I long so much for attention. I don’t know why I want people to notice me ,like me, ado…re me, love me, have crushes on me, appreciate me, think I’m intelligent, think I’m beautiful, think I have a sense of humour, think all nice things about me. I have become a mendicant –begging for attention. Me, who at other times ran away from society to my much treasured privacy, me at other times who decided not to care a damn about them. I shied away from attention and hid in the shadows peeping out slowly. Why this change now?
All through my life I have always had great contempt for people who have actually valued me. But now I want them to. Now I want friends and affection when earlier I fled from every person who was nice to me and distance myself from all my friends to ensure that I got my privacy. Now this is no longer ok for me. There is no other option because once alone I go off into a reverie about me and myself-ALWAYS.
CAN I NOT SILENTLY, GOOD HUMOUREDLY, OBSERVE OTHERS, THEIR ACTIONS –I DO NOT MEAN WITH A HUGE SMILE ON MY FACE WHICH HURTS. I MEAN GENUINELY HAPPY AT OBSERVING THEM. Why am I not interested in anything other than myself or theories so distant from human beings? Why can't I observe and understand others in a quiet way that was innate in me? Why? It pains me but I don’t know. When I watch others being happy, jealousy bites and shreds my heart. Damn me.